I had forgotten just how much I enjoy writing. During the gap between my last article and the previous entries written a year prior, I see just how much of a trajectory shift my own life has taken during that twelve-month sabbatical. Not all the feedback I received from my comeback article was positive- c’est la vie (pardon my French). My partner suggested this cause for celebration after I took pause to self-examine if I should have provided a more palatable entrée (oops, more French). After all, a title like “Organized Religion Stole My Virginity” does not exactly sell ease of digestion. Upon further review with my new-found agency and choice to (in essence) place my personal deconstruction journey on a public platform- I stand firm with my choice of wording, subject, and risk of followership (which really has no weight in my overarching purpose). I write publicly because if there is a process that has helped me through this spiritual desert of deconstruction frustration, then (just maybe) it can help others know that they are not alone- even if theirs’ is a much different process and subsequent conclusion. We each must do what is most authentic to our own purpose and being.
Speaking of “should“….
(yep the profanity is about to get real here)
If you take a deeper look at what gave me pause in the opening paragraph- it wasn’t that I chose to let my authenticity go unchecked (which will deselect opposing views by nature); it was that I allowed that word, “should,” an outside measure of worth and locus of control, make me second guess my own safety and belonging in a group of people I’ve largely never met- a pretty safe gamble in the scope of things.
But imagine if I depended on a solid blog followership for ad royalties. My “should” shaming monster has grown bigger teeth. Imagine again if that group of people were my main social circle. My “should” monster earns an upgrade to claws that dig to the very center of my sense of worth and acceptance in a socially harsh world. Finally, imagine if I willingly shared a moral compass with that group of people, granting them VIP access to my psyche and eternal locus of control. Once they’d deemed my previous article as some great moral faux pas (I didn’t realize I knew so much French!), my “should” monster is granted maximum security clearance- fully equipped to isolate me across dimensions…. it truly makes me long for the monster who only had sharp teeth and claws.
In my experience, that multidimensional isolation monster showed up through the toxic ideals of religious/cult leaders and their devout followers…of which I was a bona fide (Latin- I looked it up) member for a significant season of my life. Even after I cut physical and spiritual ties to that group, traces of their “shoulds” remain in my brain-stem reactions and ensuing thought processes.
For those of us who believe that physically separating ourselves from the source should do the job, realize that the infection goes much deeper. And, when we step back far enough to see the forest surrounding those trees, we find that the individuals who have caused us the most harm are likely the individuals suffering from a grand-scale “should” infection.
And, how does this come to be? Those “shoulds” are hinged on a system riddled with shame-induced codependency. A system that benefits from setting a standard of “perfection” to which only they hold the key- all while diminishing the agency of their followers by telling each that they alone are not good enough – that they “fall short” and require the judgment dressed up as “accountability” provided within the confines of that system. I (along with most people there) gave my money, my time, and even dedicated my children to that system because inclusion there provides a sense of eternal safety.
The religious institution, be it overtly or covertly, convinced me that I cannot trust the spirit within my own conscience and must depend on the institution’s standards as a guidepost for acceptable living.
Even if the intention comes from an altruistic ambition, a single standard for how we should live could never qualify as the unique standard we can each access within our own seat of conscience. “Should” then, is the product of a zero sum game.
Within that toxic framework, “should” not only hijacked my soul, my essence, my authenticity; it spread to my brain and caused loss of vision/purpose, hearing/clarity, leaving me out of touch with my inner locus of control. “Should” infects its victims with spiritual dementia- impairing individual agency, the ability to decipher the capacity to deduce and navigate life in a personally authentic manner. My innate accountability system had been dismantled and no longer served to filter a standard that most authentically suited my purpose/meaning. I couldn’t decipher it as a separate standard that only serves to benefit the institution that maintains it.
We are encouraged to believe that religious institutions’ standards are something we should take on because we become convinced that it is the right thing to do. In the end, “should” only creates layers of shame that further prevent its victims from accessing their conscious and authentic purpose and expression.
How ironic is it that religious leaders and their followers will beg people to visit their church service, pave the way for each to recognize the need and benefit of accepting God as the source of wisdom and security in life, explain that God can express him/herself in and through consciousness in a way that fills a God-sized hole, only to then talk over what it is God might express through each individual’s conscience.
Why would they do this? I believe the reasons are multifaceted. Greed? Power? Insecurity in their own capacity to access the conscience they’ve kept blocked beneath layers of their own shame?
“Should” provides a false sense of safety and security in numbers when we no longer trust in our own capacity to access that wisdom for ourselves.
And rather than doing the work to address the layers of shame that block our access to that wisdom, we look to satiate our inner pain and needs through outside standards and influences. And just like that, a cult is born- complete with exclusionary practices that help build and maintain a sense of (but not actual) authenticity.
What begins with an authentic relationship and purpose, “Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone” (Mark 16:15, ESV), quickly dissolves when “shoulds”- those shaming mandates to uphold a perceived agreement hedging our ability to maintain our inclusion- take over and replace our inner- and well-advised- locus of control. Why else would Jesus condemn these practices? “Woe to you, teachers of the law (“shoulds”) and Pharisees (members of a “superior” sect), you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind [Evangelicals]! -(or your version of Pharisee here) First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean” (Mat 23:25-26, NIV).
It becomes clear that “shoulds” are a way of disguising a lack of authenticity as they are based on an outside locus of control. Jesus instructs people to turn their focus back to the inside- to their authentic and direct relationship with the one who created each for a distinct purpose- in order to avoid feeling the need to bear the burden of “should” and the blinding shame it produces.
Once I began functioning from my inner wisdom/ locus of control, I discovered the lightness and freedom found in setting the hypocrisy of religion down. When I began to sync with my authentic nature and purpose, I was able to address the shame of previously held “shoulds” and emanate personal health and social inclusivity. I’m becoming reacquainted with my unique passion and purpose since setting down the exclusionary and judgmental practices of “should.”
Should, ought, shame, and supposed-to are all considered profanity in my home.
They’ve replaced the traditional curse words of prime-time networks and the religious shamers who continue to politicize that standard. Why? Words and phrases like should, ought, and supposed-to are red flags that almost always point to an ill-vetted locus of control. These words are often the precursors of judgment and the fuelers of shame. Certainly, there are appropriate times to use each- just like there are socially acceptable ways to describe the hooves of an ass or the litter of a bitch. But for the majority of instances any of these words or phrases are used, they are used as a discounting of their intended and altruistic purpose.
If I should go to bed early tonight because my inner locus of control reminds me that I want to perform well at an early morning hike up a mountain, then “should” is altruistic because it is based on my inner locus of control. If I “should” go to church Sunday morning because it would keep my mother from riding my ass about my religious responsibility to do so, and I allow this “should” to reside within my sense of worthiness and belonging, it (and my ass) has lost its altruism because it is tied to a locus of control that is foreign and inauthentic to my own reason or purpose for attending (or not attending in this case) church on Sunday morning.
What are your “shoulds” tied to?
For safe example, when you made your bed this morning, where did that “should” come from?
It wasn’t until my therapist (who is helping me navigate my deeply ingrained codependency issues planted and sustained through years of religious rhetoric) challenged me to explore the rules of my own island- my own life, marriage, and home- that my partner and I discovered the power of the word “should.” Over a year later, we are still calling out our “shoulds” that still make their appearance in occasional conversation. Know where most of those “shoulds” are tied? Yep, religious “shoulding.” There is a reason that deconstruction is such a threat to organized religion and a game-changer for those who were taught to believe that their worth and belonging are nothing and nowhere without the religious authority’s laws.
When a “should” pops up for me, I immediately locate its origin. I see if I can remember when or where I first adopted that “should.” Can I remember a time before that “should?” Does that “should” ring authentic for me, or is it a fracture in the fortress of my unique identity that has been allowing shame to disorient and separate me from my innate conscious wisdom?
The process of taking an inventory of “shoulds” may take some time. The best thing is, we rarely have to go looking for them, they love to pop up all throughout our daily conversations and framework of responsibility. It’s important to note that not all “shoulds” are toxic.
When my “shoulds” do surface, I just take a moment and qualify them against my own sense of worth. I ask myself, “Am I doing/saying this because it is in line with my authentic self, or is this to appease an outside influence and my perceived need for acceptance within that influence? I often find that a “should” either likely served me well for a time, or it was introduced to me at a point I had less agency.
When left unchecked, “shoulds” tend to stick around despite our maturing ability to increasingly access our own wisdom and agency. We just keep shoulding all over ourselves even when those “shoulds” no longer provide the benefit they might have during a prior season in life. The same is true within codependent relationships- whether personal or institutional.
When I discover that “should” continues to benefit me in an authentic way, I experience no shame in keeping it as long as I don’t pressure others to commit to it (which is the root of judgment when applied as frequently and inappropriately as is often the case). If, after analyzing my identified “should” I find it no longer serves me, I thank it for the time that it did serve me well, and then free myself from it.
The exercise of taking a “should” inventory is a small but vital part of “doing the work” referenced in so much psychology from pop to intensive therapy- and when done with diligence, can provide a new lease on this often confusing but potentially rewarding life.
Reclaiming Sunday 
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